A personal constitution

On nights that i lie awake, unable to sleep, staring at the softly whirring ceiling fan, i think about my past - flashbacks of my life, from when i was a small boy, in my mother's kitchen, waiting for the school bus, all the things i have done in my short time here. Who i have been, and who i am. And trust me when i say that i've seen some pretty interesting ups and downs in life. Who i am today is a stark change from the playful boy waiting for the school bus, the rebellious youth growing up, almost being expelled from school with no prospects on the horizon, the cocky, materialistic young man, the prodigal son, harsh, with regret and pain, as i sometimes feel, sleepless in the early hours of the morning, again, staring at the white ceiling, looking back at all those persons i have been.

It almost does not feel like me - i don't recognise them, those people, today. I feel i have had many lives, many re-incarnations, been down all those long winding roads and dark alleys that this journey of life serves up.

My point is that, you can be who you want to be. Everything can happen - You can change if you want to, as i have, awoken from a long slumber, Merlyn the Magician, finally knowing who i truly am, and who i want to be. I have come full circle - i look down on those people, materialistic, arrogant, selfish, hurtful, deceitful, that was I, to return to my roots. Knowing who i am, and where i came from. For that i'm grateful.

This lengthy piece of prose is partly to inspire those kids out there, who like me, had zero prospects on the horizon, their lives spiralling out of control - i had contemplated suicide rather strongly, and running away - didn't know where, just that i wanted to leave this life behind and go up as far north as i can. But mostly to exorcise those demons that haunt me when i lie awake in bed, staring at the blank, white ceiling and listening to the soft whirrs of the ceiling fan, strangely hypnotic. I think, i have come a long way - now i'm happy, i spend more time with my family, i love them, more than anything in the world, and im in the midst of finishing a degree course. So life's looking up, and by any means a 180 degree change from the past. But do i regret who i have been? Maybe yes, maybe no. But what does it matter? Let the ghosts of the past dance with the ghosts of the past.

Let this be the cornerstones for a personal constitution. Who i want to be, who i choose to be, what i choose to do with my life. Your life is in your own hands - change it, go travelling, pursue your interests if you want to, make every decision a conscious choice. Will it make me happy? Note though that there is a world of difference between happiness and pleasure. Will it make me a better person?

This is what i have arrived at:

I strive to live life, as it is and should be, not perverted notions defined by material acquisitions.

I seek to be who i am, who i want to be, not what others want me to be. I have, in short, traded acceptance of the masses to be a social outcast, by choice. Where i am self dependent, and don't exist merely because i am part of a group, that i am one of them, that i am accepted because i share, or superficially exhibit their same beliefs, tastes and expectations.

That i shall not be swayed by material pursuits. I have traded the world for my life, and not my life for the world.

the Open Road beckons.